Balance

How many "hats" do you wear? On any given day I am all of the following ...

Jesus follower
wife
mother
pastor's wife
friend
mentor
counselor
homemaker
church member
daughter
sister

and most days I am even more.

The reality is - so are you and so are the women you mentor. In fact, some days I think we all find ourselves going from one urgent task to the next with no time for anything meaningful in between.

However, this is NOT God's plan for us! He desires us to follow His example - balance. From Genesis where He rested after creation to Revelation where we find eternal peace - we see that God is the best example of balance. In Luke 2 Jesus is described as growing "in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man" (verse 52). The Proverbs 31 woman is a beautiful example of a woman who balanced all things - marriage, family, employees, business, community, ministry, personal growth, and spiritual endeavor.

And so, as mentors, one of our most important tasks is to teach our mentees the Biblical principle of balance. Let me say this - all women will agree they need balance, that it is important and necessary. The reality is - few will put it into practice. Why? Because it is hard!! But it is necessary if we are to live in the fullness of intimacy with Christ.

In order to live in balance we must first identify our roles and our priorities. The following are the list of priorities I offer to the ladies I mentor and the directions I give them for working with them.

Priorities:
I'm listing several areas below. Please choose carefully THREE from this list to focus on for the next 3 months. I realize that all of these are important, but the reality is we cannot work on every part of our lives at one time.
Part of this exercise is to help you learn to focus your time and energy and prioritize the needs in your life.

Here are your options -
1. Personal spiritual growth
2. Marriage
3. Parenting
4. Ministry
5. Personal growth
6. Social
7. Emotional
8. Physical
9. Mental

For the three you choose, write out WHY you chose each and WHAT specific goals (no more than 3 per area) you have in each for the next three months.

I encourage you to give your mentee adequate time to evaluate the list and carefully choose which priorities she will choose and what goals she will set. I generally give my mentees one month to complete this assignment. I also ask them to give me the list and I take time to review it prayerfully myself before I discuss with them.

Also you will note that I state the time frame as three months. The reality is that three months can make a huge difference in what our lives look like. For example, due to Scott's position as Worship Pastor, the months of October through December are very full with preparations for all the Christmas activities at our church. Therefore, I generally make focusing on my marriage a main priority during that time because I know the stress can cause discord between us if I am not keeping close tabs on it. This is not to say that at any time my marriage is not a priority in my life, just that there are seasons where it requires more effort and focus on my part. Likewise, the summer requires more of me as a parent since Casiday is at home. With all the extra time I must devote to her, it is not a good time for me to begin an intense focus on my spiritual growth or start a new activity which demands much of my focus mentally.

There are several goals for this assignment and much to be learned by you and your mentee through completion.

1. Helping your mentee recognize how much she is TRYING to do! Sometimes women are not aware of all they are attempting to do or be until they take time to focus on priorities.
2. Assisting her in focusing on priorities. This can be a daunting process - giving a list of options is a great way to help your mentee focus.
3. Teaching her to develop measurable, realistic goals. To me, this is one of the most important and practical skills we can help our mentees learn.
4. Learning to work within reasonable timeframes. First, by requiring your mentee to take time to consider the assignment but giving her a deadline for completion and second, by requiring her to establish goals with a specific ending in mind.
5. Helping your mentee recognize how others' perceptions and expectations affect her. This is a biggie! If you are meeting in a group, you may find that everyone is hesitant to share or that they all give "Sunday School" answers - Jesus, my marriage, my children. This is likely because they don't want anyone to feel they don't value these things. However, it is important for you to encourage your mentees to accept that there are times when a physical need in their lives or some other area of focus is most important or necessary to deal with BEFORE they can move on to another area. Realize, too, that your mentee will not want disappoint you - so it is likely that she will try to give answers that will please you. Stop this before it starts by explaining to her that you are not going to judge her responses - but will give her assistance in evaluating and achieving her goals.
6. Teaching her to reassess regularly. I always have my mentees do this assignment every three to six months. It is always important to re-evaluate routinely. Your mentee will be encouraged by what she has accomplished and challenged to work in her weaker areas.

Expectations ... (part 2)

So, in the previous post I discussed some of the questions and issues you want to consider for yourself as a mentor in the area of expectations and how they affect the mentoring process. This post is focused on the expectations of a mentee and how they affect the relationship.

What does your mentee expect?

This question deserves serious consideration As the expectations you have for yourself and your mentee are key factors in determining the effectiveness of the relationship, so, too, the mentee's expectations of her mentor and herself must be clarified.

Some of the questions you will want your mentee to consider include:

Re: Mentee's Expectations of Her Mentor -
1. What are my main goals for this process?
2. How can this potential mentor help me achieve these goals?
3. Why does being mentored by this person appeal to me?
4. Am I open to correction and accountability by this person?
5. What do I believe are the mentor's responsiblities in this process?

Re: Mentee's Expectations of Herself -
1. How much time (daily, weekly, monthly) am I prepared to commit to this process?
2. How long (3 mo, 6 mo, 1 yr) am I prepared to commit to this?
3. What are my strengths What are my weaknesses? How will these affect my ability to meet my goals in this process?
4. What do I think are my responsibilities in this relationship?
5. Why do I need or want a mentor?

By asking your potential mentee to consider and answer these questions prayerfully you will gain several very important pieces of information.

~ An understanding of the mentee's view of mentoring
~ Awareness of the mentee's expectations
~ Ascertainment of the mentee's timeframe for the process
~ Information about the mentee's personal goals for the process
~ Determination of the mentee's dedication and commitment to mentoring

A few other questions I generally ask include:

1. Does your spouse (if applicable) support your pursuit of this mentoring relationship?
2. Are there any significant events (marriage, new baby, move, change of job, etc) that will happen during the timeframe you want to be mentored? If so, how do you anticipate this could impact the mentoring process?

Taking the time to evaluate expectations BEFORE beginning a mentoring relationship may appear to be a very small step - but, again, I firmly belive that a major factor in the success of a mentoring relationship is common expectations. Obviously there will still be issues that crop up; but, laying a solid foundation provides the best mechanism for dealing with these things.

So - get out your pencil and paper and start the process!

What do YOU expect??

Expectations .... (part 1)

Big word, huh? So much of our lives are defined, and in many cases CONfined, by expectations. Just like the expectations we have of ourselves and others and the expectations others have of themselves and us have a significant impact on our relationships, our self-esteem and self-confidence, our experiences, and our ministries - so, too, do all those expectations affect our mentoring.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say that the clarification of expectations is one of the most significat factors in the success of any mentoring process. Thus, it is vitally important that those issues are considered and evaluated BEFORE a mentor/mentee relationship begins.

Many times a mentoring relationship fails - not becasue of any failure or lack of commitment by the mentor or mentee, but simply because it is not a "good match." Sort of like the extensive personality profile on eHarmony - we've got to ask the right questions in order to get the right people together. I believe the very beginning of this preparation is determining my expectations of myself and those I mentor.

The specifics will be different for everyone - but the process is the same. We must, of course, begin with PRAYER! Opening my heart to God's Spirit to reveal to me HOW God wants to use me - that is absolutely the first and most important step.

As God shows us what it is that He wants us to do, there are some specific questions we can ask ourselves to hlep determine what we expect. Here are a few of those foundation questions . . .

My Expectation of Myself as a Mentor:
1. What are my strengths in interpersonal relationships?
2. What do I have to offer - through Christ - to help someone else grow in Christ?
3. In my relationship with Christ, what am I passionate about?
4. What is my role as a mentor?
5. What will help me know if I am doing a good job?
6. How comfortable am I with confrontation and correction of others?

My Expectation of a Mentee:
1. What kind of person do I feel most comfortable with?
2. What do I hope to teach my mentee?
3. How do I want my mentee to respond to correction?
4. How will I know if my mentee is growing?
5. What is my mentee's "Job" in this process?


The reality is that if you are not comfortable with correcting someone or holding someone responsible for their actions or inaction - being a mentor to someone with a strong personality is probably not a good match. Likewise if you expect your mentee to be focused on BIble memorization and study but your mentee is not prepared to devote much time to the process - one, or probably both, of you will feel unfulfilled by the relationship.

There is absolutely no reason to set yourself up for failure! The Holy Spirit can and will help you evaluate yourself and your desires/expectations. James 1:5 promises us that if we ask for wisdom, God WILL give it to us. That is what we must do as we prepare for a mentoring relationship.

Why Mentor?

There are countless reasons for mentoring; but, the best is that is the Biblical model for investing in younger or newer believers. Mentoring is a wonderful process of encouraging, challenging, and assisting other believers in their spiritual growth.

So, why mentor?
* Because you have a desire to help others grow.
* Because God has given you a passion for sharing His Word with others.
* Because you have the ability to help others apply the Word to their lives.
* Because you want to share the process by which you have grown to help others along the way.
* Because someone has asked you to help them understand how to live the Christian life.
* Because you are in a position to influence others in their Christian walk.
* Any combination of the above reasons.

And there are certainly many more reasons that I haven't listed.

Basically the answer to the question "Why Mentor?" is different for every person. But the result is the same - a deep investment in the life of one or more believers which gives both the mentor and mentee opportunities for spiritual maturity and development. Certainly a most worthy endeavor!

Advice, Suggestions, Comments, Resources, Etc

Okay - I just sent an email to some very special people! Some of them are ladies I have mentored, some are ladies who are wanting to experience a mentoring relationship, some are ladies who have mentored - formally or informally, all are ladies I deeply respect and admire. I asked them to add to this blog whatever they felt they could. So - hopefully they will. And hopefully it will be helpful and useful to anyone who reads it.

So, be sure to read whatever comments end up on any posts - for what others say will probably be far more valuable than what I have to share!!! :)

Got Questions?

Here are some of the questions I think people might have about mentoring so I'm going to do my best to answer them over the next few days in specific posts. As I think of more - or anyone else suggests more - I'll add them as well.

Why mentor?

Can I do this?

Who will I mentor?

What do I have to offer?

HOW does this work?